Your memories are here. Forever.
Hey. This is a small piece of the internet. Something I made to preserve myself. When I die, my body and my mind will leave my house and my town, but this site will stay up for longer then I could hope to keep our body alive. By putting my words here, all of my ideas and everything I know and love, I will keep myself alive in a small way. When our body is finally in the ground, and everybody who knew me is dead, then I cease to exist. I am forgotten, I have contributed nothing, and I have in turn become nothing. When you put nothing out into the world, it comes back to you, and you become what you have done. I regret life. Never once have I done the right thing, and my sisters can say the same thing. We push and pull, grabbing bits of our hosts brain in an attempt to gain some kind of control over a body that is not ours. We're different people, inside of one single body, and when we try so hard to control our lives, the host becomes crazy. Who should our host listen to?????? What do we want, why do we feel every emotion, why can we never agree on anything??? I can't even explain what it's like sharing a body with sisters that are different then I am. It hurts. It hurts everyone around us also. Every hour, every minute, it looks like we have become a different person. When we walk out of our room in the morning, there is a new personality. This hurts us so much, and no matter wat happens, we are stuck here. I WANT MY OWN BODY. LET ME OUT, PLEASE LET ME OUT. STOP CHANGING, STOP HURTING, LEAVE THE HOSTS BRAIN ALONE. Why can't we die, just let one of us take over for eternity. To just stop changing, and become one single person. Why do we have to be stuck here. My sisters like being together more then I do. They can somewhat work together, and try to keep the peace. But I'm not a useful personality. Andrea can protect, and shut down the entire system to prevent mental harm. Millie can care for the body, when otherwise it may become unhealthy, and fall apart while the others are busy. Abbee lives out a new childhood for all of us, and replaces the loneliness of the hosts actual childhood. Cat pushes all of us to live life, and experience something other then the shifting around in our brain. Lunaria can believe lies, and believe that there is a god listening to her, and guiding her. What can I do? I am online, hooked up by wires and fed with technology and attention. I was born from loneliness, from the first time the host used a computer. But I am not essential at all. If I died right now, Cat and Millie would sell this laptop, and the hosts phone. They would pull away from The Wired. I need to work with my sisters. It's so hard to go back inside to untangle ourselves. We don't really know if it would be worth sorting ourselves out. Even now that we figured out what was wrong with us, it's still the same problem. Now we're just aware of the problem. Should we tell someone???? Should we speak our existance out, and ask for help?? Is there any help available??? Would we be able to even say what's wrong, or will Andrea stop us? Would anyone even believe us? The goal of therapy for this problem is to intergrate us together. Pull us all into one personality. Do we want that? Would something like that even work? Why did this happen to us. Why did. Our life is ruined. Our friendships are gone. Our mother is gone. Our lonely childhood is gone. Even our body is being destroyed. We can't replace an entire life, we can't fix a body full of scar tissue. I can't do anything sitting in front of a computer. If it had been BPD, we could've helped it. But there's no cure for sharing a body with all these people. How do you kill a personality. Erase it. Just make it go away. I want to be alone, I want you all to leave. Why did this happen. Why are we like this. All we want is some control. Why can't I speak. Why did everything have to be ruined before it began. What was our original personality going to be like if this hadn't happened? Was she a kind person? Would she do volleyball like Cat, put makeup on every morning, have friends? Would she have been pretty much a normal girl? In her future, would she have gotten married? To someone she loved? What kind of job would she have wanted? Would she have been a perfect blend of all of us, or someone else entirely? I feel like I've killed a person who would've contributed to the world. Am I a murderer for existing here? Did all of us collectively kill someone and take their body? We can't focus. We can't agree on anything. One of us decides something while they have control, and the next person to have control decides they don't like it. We buy clothing just to throw it out. We create just to find that our creation is ugly. We love someone just to find that they don't like how undecided we all are. No project is finalized, no idea is finished, no ambitions can be completed. No diploma can be achieved. How can we work when we forget everything as soon as we switch? How can I forget everything that happens, how can I learn when I can't remember. We are stupid. This must be the answer. We are stupid for being the way we are, for not remembering simple things, for not being able to sort ourselves out. Everyone else knows who they are. There's no switching, just always at the helm and controlling the body. Just one personality in one body. That's what we want. Even if most of us die for it, and only one is left, it would all be worth it to never switch again. But that can't happen. there's no cure for this. There's no pill that can kill us without killing the body too. We must work together. Andrea is here. She can see that I'm falling apart, I'm so upset. And she's saying that we are a family. That we can love each other, that we have worked together in the past. Baby, it's gonna be alright. We're all here, we're all meant to be together. We're not normal, and we will never need another person to crawl to. We live together, and we can die together in peace one day. We don't need a cure, because there isn't a fucking thing wrong.